


It Isn't, Isn't It?

by fir8008



Category: Figure Skating RPF, Olympics RPF
Genre: Implied Sexual Content, Infidelity, M/M, One-Sided Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-05
Updated: 2014-03-05
Packaged: 2018-01-14 15:09:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1271035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fir8008/pseuds/fir8008
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Canon. The first time it happened, they were drunk, and Yuzuru thought it would end there because Javier had a girlfriend. But it didn't and Yuzuru can't walk away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Isn't, Isn't It?

**Author's Note:**

> This story should be subtitled: dark mutterings of an angry insomniac, because I wrote this a few nights ago at 3AM because I couldn't sleep. Sort of inspired by a tumblr post I saw saying something to the effect of: "waiting for the yuzuvier shippers to realize Javier has a girlfriend." (Her name is Cortney Mansour and she's an ice dancer who, despite being Canadian, has skated for Kazakhstan and the Czech Republic) Also inspired by my recent terrible moods. This work is purely fictional. Enjoy.

It isn’t that Yuzuru has never been with a boy before, because he has. 

It isn’t that Yuzuru has never been in love with someone he shouldn’t, because he has. 

It’s because Yuzuru has never wanted those moments, those fleeting fledgling loves, to _mean_ anything before, but now he wants it so badly it hurts his stomach. He wants so desperately to believe that when Javier pushes him to his knees or into his mattress that it means something. He wants to believe that Javier is his, that Javier’s actions are fueled by love and not by any other lustful entity beneath the surface. Yuzuru wants that, but becomes more unsure of his own wish as the days pass. 

The first time it happened, they were both drunk. It was Javier’s birthday and they celebrated by themselves in Javier’s apartment with cheap beers. Yuzuru had leaned over to kiss Javier, too drunk to be totally conscious of what he was doing, and Javier had kissed him back. They were reckless and noisy about it and Yuzuru had woken up naked and thoroughly confused. He and Javier didn’t talk about it, because the first thing that hit Yuzuru upon realizing their predicament was a simple one. 

Javier has a girlfriend. 

And Yuzuru thought it would end there because Javier had a girlfriend, but it didn’t. Yuzuru doesn’t understand it. In his own dark delusions, being pliant to Javier’s touches, bending to his desires, might make Javier realize it’s Yuzuru that he needs. Yuzuru doesn’t quite know what Javier gains from this. Some sadistic piece of him replies: a pliant, needy body belonging to a naïve young boy eager to be loved. Yuzuru stomps on this piece of himself, but that thought lingers in the back of his mind, lurking and muttering. It would be so much easier if Yuzuru didn’t know Javier’s girlfriend existed. If Yuzuru could pretend she didn’t exist, she wouldn’t haunt his conscience and he wouldn’t feel guilty. It would be easier for him if Javier’s girlfriend was some girl he left in Spain, but she isn’t. She’s Canadian and she’s a figure skater and she trains in Toronto and Yuzuru has met her. She’s pretty and he detests the way Javier lights up around her. He hates the way she fits easily in Javier’s arm, the way they seem to match. He hates it; he hates her. It would be so much easier if Yuzuru could hate her for a reason other than who she is, but it’s just too hard. She’s friendly and Yuzuru has to fight to act normally around her. She notices his odd behavior and he plays it off as the language barrier or exhaustion after a long skate or something else. 

Cortney smiles at Yuzuru and it makes him sick. He hates her so much it hurts. He hates her just because Javier loves her. He hates that she is so sweet and so friendly and he wishes she could just be a bitch so the guilt would stop eating him alive. Every time Javier _brushes_ him Yuzuru feels as if his skin is burning. Javier isn’t his. Why do they keep going back to one another? 

Yuzuru wishes he could find it in himself to walk away, but he keeps crawling back. He tells himself every time that it’s the last time, but he’ll end back up in Javier’s bed by the end of the week. Yuzuru feels pathetic. He isn’t strong enough to walk away from a man who’s playing him. And with a sinking feeling of horror, Yuzuru realizes he’s falling in love with Javier and if that isn’t the worst idea he’s ever heard he doesn’t know what is. 

Javier doesn’t love him. Yuzuru doesn’t even know if Javier loves Cortney. How else could he take Yuzuru whenever he wanted? Yuzuru would always try to scrub the shame off of his skin, but it stuck fast, refusing to be washed away. How could Javier sleep at night? Cortney was such a nice girl, didn’t she deserve a man who didn’t cheat on her with a boy? 

It dances on the tip of Yuzuru’s tongue every time he sees her. He could tell her. He could end it. But Yuzuru knows he isn’t ready for the backlash that’ll stem from it. Yuzuru knows girls. He remembers when his sister’s boyfriend had cheated on her. His sister nearly told all of Sendai. Toronto might be more accepting in comparison, but the three of them compete on a national stage, and not every country is like Canada. Yuzuru isn’t ready for his name to be attached to a scandal quite like the one that would break. Anyway, he isn’t quite sure of his standing in this troika. Is he a victim or an active participant? Who’s to blame? Who’s hurting the most? Yuzruru doesn’t know so he keeps his mouth shut. 

Yuzuru hates it. All of his hate blurs together until it’s a massive, oppressive force in the center of his chest and it’s suffocating. He hates Javier for what transpires between them. He hates that each time there’s a glimmer of hope in the distance, but Yuzuru can never catch hold because then Cortney’s face flashes in his eyes. He hates Cortney for being so nice. He hates that she has everything he wants. He hates that she is so blissfully unaware of what’s happening. He hates her so much. He hates himself too, for allowing himself to be used. He hates that he accepts the kiss Javier presses to his temple each time with a gravelly “thanks,” muttered against his skin. He hates that he still lacks the strength to be a man and leave. He hates the entire preposterous situation he’s gotten himself stuck in. 

It isn’t because Yuzuru is stupid, because he isn’t. 

It isn’t because Yuzuru is a masochist, because he isn’t. 

It’s because Yuzuru is needy, and that he can admit, and Javier feels like someone he can depend on, but isn’t. 

And it’s a painful existence for them all, isn’t it? 


End file.
